When I had to respond to my favorite discussion question, I looked for one that didn't deal with the writing process and my ways of overcoming fears and obstacles. I thought of ways to skew a question so I could write something that, overall, was inspiring. But, as much as I think I'd hate it... I think analyzing my fears as a writer would be well worth the effort.
"What are your biggest fears as a writer? Are you conscious of them, or do you try to walk them off, write through them? Try to think of a list of all of your demons, both original and intimate."
When I first read this, and questions about my avoidance techniques and how I conquer them, all I could think was - I don't. Strangely enough, I think that in itself is a fear. I'm afraid that I don't conquer my writer's block effectively and I let my own self-conscious demons or procrastination get to me. I'm afraid that that fact makes me a bad writer. Or, means that I'm not a writer at all.
I don't let ideas or freewriting pour out of me as much because I usually dismiss an idea that isn't mind-blowing. If I wouldn't want to read it, I don't bother trying to write it. This doesn't mean I'm a very judgmental reader. I just have a very hard time paying attention.
For most of my life, I literally didn't read. A lot of people are surprised to hear that about me. People hear I'm a writer and want to discuss literature with me. But, the truth is, there's very few books that I have actually finished cover to cover. The thing that made me want to be a writer, was that first book that I did finish. I discovered that there was really awesome, touching writing out there... that could grab my attention. It just didn't look like any of the books that I was told I should read. Growing up, family members always assumed that because I was a teenager, I would like fiction and novels like Twilight or Nicholas Sparks or Danielle Steel. I always thought these kinds of books were like watching television. They were entertainment for people who liked to read. But, I never felt engaged by them. Then, people who thought I was intelligent or interested in writing would give me classic literature like Metamorphosis, Jane Eyre, and The Hobbit. But, these books, regardless of what messages they had to offer, put me to sleep. When I got to college, I tried much harder to be knowledgeable about classic literature. I wanted to impress people.
So, because it was so hard for me to become engaged by writing, I began to sort of worship the writing that did have a hold on me. Whenever I go to write, I compare my ideas to these finished works that are beautifully crafted and simple, full of mind-blowing synecdoche and metaphor. But, I can't forget that every work starts out as an idea; a little seed that needs time to grow and change. I don't consciously think that my favorite authors just sit down and masterpieces flow out of them in a single draft. But, I live in a time of instant gratification. It's hard to grasp that something could take years to develop. I took piano lessons for more than 10 years when I was a kid. And, back then, I read flash cards, and studied little by little to learn to read music. But, I never once sat down at the piano and wished I could just play my favorite symphony.
People say that stuff is easier to learn when you're a kid because you're a "sponge." I don't think we lose our sponginess as we grow into adulthood. We lose our patience. We succumb to expectations of how good we are supposed to be at things, and avoid those that are time consuming or difficult. When I was seven years old, no one expected anything of me. So, I didn't waste one thought on worrying whether or not I was disappointing anyone. I never disappointed myself. It made a slow progression and practice seem natural. I'm glad I wrote this piece.
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